top of page

Not you? Click here to change user.

Edit

Diederick

Hey Isaac!

Apologies for my late response, but what great steps you've made! You can be really proud on your final submission. It's multilayerd and has a lot of events, but the common thread of the story about Moran remains clear.

We spoke a lot about your story through Discord, and I can really see that you did a lot with the feedback to make it a stronger story.

In terms of potential, I think this could work best as an animated feature film or an animated series. It's quite a lot to explain to your audience, so you want to take the time for that.

I would love to know what your next steps are for your story? Please let me know if you need any help in the future, you can always shoot me a message on Discord!

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 29, 2022, 2:14 PM

Edit

Kathleen

This story is really developing nicely! The visuals you have are good, but I think that developing more would really support the many aspects of this story. I would love to know more about Moran himself, and how he is feeling as he navigates through his unusual life.

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 22, 2022, 8:52 PM

Edit

Isaac

Thanks very much mom for your comment, I’ve already put it into consideration, and am working on improving it more.

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 27, 2022, 12:20 PM

Edit

Anna

Beautiful story!

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 22, 2022, 7:08 AM

Edit

Michael

Isaac, this is epic. The story is huge, deep, and very intriguing. Moran's story is fascinating and the story does a great job of showing how polarizing he is to other people. Moran's kindness and altruism being met with jealousy and hatred is so sad, but it is also a common theme throughout the history of mankind. Moran being forced to leave right when John comes is an excellent plot development that makes the story even more complex. It is so tragic that because Moran wasn't treated right earlier, that John was able to come in, manipulate the greed of others, and cause so many deaths. This is a big, historical epic with an excellent protagonist and I love it.

Your plot is incredibly strong, but Moran's personal story can be clearer. How does he feel when the people around him begin to hate and covet him? How does he react when he must leave? Is he conflicted when he is asked for help? How does the violence affect him? Besides his parents, who does he love or trust? How does the war and him becoming leader change him? How does he change from all of this?

This is so good and I am so glad I got to see your reel. I hope you keep developing this because it is so hard to make such an epic story, but you do it so well. Great work :)

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 8:51 PM

Edit

Isaac (1 like)

Thanks very much Michael for your comment it really means alot

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 9:42 PM

Edit

Michael

No worries, you have created a wonderful story. Thank you!

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 9:47 PM

Edit

Julieta

Hi Isaac! I believe this is the first story I review from you, and I’m completely amazed by your story, it’s very interesting and powerful. You have chosen the background music very well since it has kept me in tension all the time!

I think you have a great story, but I must say that I would like to see some more drawings. I am aware that we have a limited time to develop our stories and that it is very difficult to write a good script and complement it with drawings. If you are interested in continuing this story in the future, I would recommend that you include a few more drawings along with your narration. I think that if you generate a slightly more visual story, it will be much easier to keep the attention.

Good job and congratulations on finishing the Xperiential program!

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 10:01 AM

Edit

Isaac (1 like)

Thanks a lot for Julieta, its really amazing and i really appreciate it

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 9:43 PM

Edit

Laura

Isaac this was a very interesting story and would love to know more about this character, and the community around it

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 12:47 AM

Edit

Isaac

Thanks a lot for your comment, and I would to tell you more about the character and the community around it. Thanks very much for your comment.

Reply
Like
Helpful

Aug 21, 2022, 9:45 PM

Feedback will appear below after our team moderates them.

2) What you think about this submission:​

Upload an Audio Comment
Upload an Image
Upload a Video Comment

Add New Comment

Please use the box below to provide feedback to the creators of this submission:​

This is my story in writings though I wasn’t able to make it as I wanted but I hope it’s ok.

Long ago in the Maasai community lived a clan that has since become extinct. This clan was made up of men who were thirsty for power and they'd do anything to rise to this coveted position in the community. They'd use old forms of sorcery and witchcraft to try and rise but it was always in vain.


After a long search for these powers, their ancestors decided to fulfill their wishes, but seeing the darkness in their hearts, the ancestors new they would cause chaos and massive destruction, and so they decided to grant them the powers, but the powers would be possessed by their sixth generation.

After the community elders heard of this, that this clan had sought dark power to rule, they were forced to slay every member of that family to avoid the existence of these dark powers.

After six generation had passed a mysteriuos boy was born in to a familly of an iron smith and was given the name moran meaning a warrior.

In the maasai community, children are always marked with body cuts to protect them from evil spirits, but mysteriously, moran was born with the body cuts

As moran came of age, he started developing super human abilities, at a young age moran would immitate his mother and father doing things exacly the way they were doing by just watching, and as he grew he became really strong like the strength of more than four men combined, he would run reall fast like a horse, he was able to know what was happening on the grownd by just feeling the vibration, and his insticts were really strong that he was able to sense when ther was danger, and he had the ability to heal really fast after an injury.

Moran was a mystery that no one knew. Some myths surrounded his extra ordinary abilities, some said he took it from his great grandfather who was a Medina man, others said he was and angel sent by God, while others thought he was an evil spirit who they believed would bring them suffering.

As moran moran turned 18, he would start to experience some very disturbing dreams about his ancestors past. Sometimes he when he was hungry he would get out of control and would do something that he would later regret, sometimes he would behave like he was possessed by some spirits, but above all, Moran wanted to be accepted the way he was.

Moran would use his abilities to help those in need and those who were not able to stand for themselves, despite some of the villagers hating him and believing he was evil.

Words about moran not only spread to his community, but to all maasai land and also neighbouring tribes. This led to some of the most powerful men in his community getting jelouse and wanted to posses his powers and even kill him.

Moran and his parents started to get in danger as the jealousy of some of the community elders grew stronger to a point that, some of them sought witch craft to be able to possess Morans powers.

Due to the situation Moran was forced to go hiding together with his parents for their own safety.

After Days had past and Moran had not been seen in the village, the villagers were paid a visit by a white man by the the name John. John visited the village with the intention of taking away the villages resources and enslave the village people, but because of the jealousy and greediness of some the elders, they strikes a deal, of letting them in the village and in return, John should helm them find and catch Moran.

This led to John who was later named the colonizers, enslaved the village people and snatch away their resources, this led to a long time of suffering in the village just because of the jealousy of the Maasai elders.

After a long time of suffering and morans absence. some of the community generals formed an alliance that would help free them, and so they send some of the warriors to go find Moran and explain to him what was happen since they knew Moran had super human abilities and he was very strong and that he was the only one who would help them.

After Moran heard of how the people of the village were suffering, He came back to the village, looking for a way to set them free.
Moran joined the alliance formed by the generals and started planing on how to free their people and get their village back.

And after a long time of planing the only way to setting them free was to fight against johns men, and on one morning they striked the colonizers and a big war began.

The war was very big that it went on for two days. A lot of the Maasai warriors were killed because their weapons were just spears and the colonizers were having guns and more were captured . so Moran went to colonizers and pleaded for them to let his people go and capture him but the colonizers refused to and even executed some of them as an example to Moran, this led to Moran getting angry and getting out of control killing more of the colonizers unknowingly in a way John had never seen, making John to plead for his life and promised to leave the village and never to come back. Moran agreed to let him go and the remaining colonizers, and because of savings the village, the villages elected Moran as their leader the village elders who let John in the village for jealousy of Moran, were captured and punished.

This is where the special thanks would go!  I’m assuming they will be a little longer this week, therefore, I designed extra space for them. If there is far more description and special thanks then there is space, this entire box becomes scrollable.

Special Thanks:

Team:
Isaac

Isaac

Share

Moran

bottom of page